idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
