i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
