hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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