it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
