My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
