Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
