I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
