i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
