We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
