someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
He felt like a one man threesome
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
