Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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