I like my sex mixed with concussions.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize