Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
