you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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