girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
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