At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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