The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I just blew my weed a kiss
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
