Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
