there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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