In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
You did what with his pubic hair?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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