All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
