im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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