i jhust puked up my retainher.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
