I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
