When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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