did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
