I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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