she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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