dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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