I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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