And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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