I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
