You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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