Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
