Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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