What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
So squirting runs in the family.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
