My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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