i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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