how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
