Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
