my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
We have so much sex to catch up on
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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