The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
