2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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