Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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