Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I deserve this hangover.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
