Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
