I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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