its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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