i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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