I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
