my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
