I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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