I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
