Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
