we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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