Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
