I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
