STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
